- Characterized by or holding idiosyncratic beliefs or impressions that are contradicted by reality or rational argument, typically as a symptom of mental disorder.
Husband: “Make me a sandwich.”
Wife: “Poof, you’re a sandwich.”
“When all else fails, there’s always delusion.” – Conan O’Brien
Other than the slightly saner individuals residing in Arizona, Hawaii and various overseas ‘territories’ of the USA, “We the Delusional” have once again collectively decided 6 AM is no longer 6 AM, but actually 7 AM.
Poof, it’s now 7 AM.
Putting aside for the moment the fact this cranky old Cog finds it increasingly difficult transporting myself one hour into the future, then one hour back again eight months later, there is nothing that more perfectly demonstrates our collective psychosis than Daylight Savings Delusional Time.
Or our omnipotence, since only the Gods above can manipulate time with a mere swish of their magic wands. So it be said, so it be so.
Poof, it’s now 6 AM.
And on cue we minuscule minions scurry one time zone to our left….or right depending upon if we are facing the North Star or the local McDonalds. On the count of three, everyone move one space forward, or left, or up or whatever. Just do it Dammit.
And we dutifully do…it…together…………now.
When I was a younger man I used these occasions to rediscover the dusty hiding places where various electronic equipment manuals were hibernating. This was so I could once again reprogram the damn built in clocks, which were now openly mocking my delusional state of mind. No, it’s not 7 AM, it’s 6 AM you moron. It says it right here.
Unless I wanted a drink; then it was always 5 o’clock somewhere.
What really galled me back then was that 6, 7 or 8 months later, depending on when I finally changed the clock or if they had once again extended Daylight Delusional Time, I would return to the clock and prove it saner than me by returning it to the ‘correct’ time. I just hate it when an inanimate object is smarter than me, or at least not as insane.
Thankfully, these days nearly all the clocks in the house are either programmed at the factory to ‘compensate’ for my mental illness or are adjusted by the electronic Gods of the ether to ‘spring’ ahead or ‘fall’ back with no need for me to sully my head with actually thinking about the delusion I am willingly adopting.
While the ‘official’ reason for Daylight Delusional Time is increased productivity and decreased fuel/electricity consumption, I remember when we were told it was done for the children, so they weren’t waiting for the school bus in the dark. It doesn’t matter they were waiting in the dark all winter. Come spring, let there be light. God forbid we actually change when school opens to keep them out of the dark.
Before that we were told it was for the farmer, because Bessie the cow, lacking an opposable thumb, couldn’t change the time on their hoof watch, thereby forcing the farmer to personally visit each cow twice a year to adjust their watches and bond with Bessie while doing so. After all, a happy cow is a better cow for the milk and leather industry.
But the real reason is simple; just as my whole house backup generator tests itself on a weekly basis for proper operation, so too do the Gods test “We the Peons” for compliance with the overall delusion we are ‘free’ and independent self directed critical thinking serfs.
If I read the reports correctly (sometimes Google translate has a problem converting ‘God’ to peon) we all score in the 99 percentile for delusional thinking and groveling at their feet.
I swear to God, next year I will be 100% compliant.
Of course, the next obvious step for the Gods in our delusional programming is to summarily declare Daylight Delusional Time is now in effect all year round, to be followed shortly after with the pronouncement that 6 AM has always been 7 AM and we have always been at war with Eurasia.
Except when we weren’t.
Once all contrary evidence has been scrubbed from the Interwebby, who are we to argue with the supreme time machine?
It goes without saying that time is an entirely relative abstract. 6 AM here on the mountain is not 6 AM for our alien overlords camped out on the dark side of the moon. Nor for that Chinese chap on the other side of our blue marble who thinks it’s actually 6 PM and time for his evening repast of poodle noodle soup.
Besides, we have been shifting time for eons with the use of calendars, clocks and history books. Anyone who argues for the ‘need’ for ‘leap’ days is arguing in favor of time travel. Personally I would like to go back to the future to secure a personal loan of inflated dollars, and then return to the past to pay my bills with devalued currency units. That would make me rich(er) and very confused.
What time did you say it was?
In fact, if you think about it just hard enough to give yourself a headache, inflation is a form of time travel. Only you and your ‘money’ aren’t traveling along the same time plain nor in the same time frame. I’m sure it’s just an accident of central banking that I always come out on the short end of time travel with not enough time or money.
It must be those Russians screwing with the flux capacitors again. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The Russians.