(Humorous) Planning For TEOTWAWKI – Single Male and Female Category

Originally published 08-26-2011

A massive cold front moved through the area where I live last night just as I was Hurricane Irene shopping. Unfortunately the rapid moving, but still very nasty, line of storms brought 60-80 MPH winds and sideways rain for 10 minutes in order to soften everyone up for Hurricane Irene’s coming beat down.

Since I was fueling my car and backup 5 gallon gas can just as hell descended I was drenched in 15 seconds flat. Abandoning any hope of hitting the grocery store for fear of being poisoned like any other large wet rat, I headed home for a change of clothes only to watch the area descend into darkness as an area wide blackout hit once again.

Oh goody. I was reminded of the joys of rural living in a kilowatt deprived area.

After changing into dry clothes and pitifully chipping away at a still frozen dinner for some meager nourishment (use it or lose it is the blackout mantra) I then moved on to clearing some of the fallen branches from the back yard until dusk finally fell. Thoroughly exhausted I collapsed into my favorite rocking chair for some deep contemplation and penetrating introspection.

Upon which I promptly fell asleep. Just wait until you get old smartass.

Waking an hour later in pitch black and with no flashlight or candle at hand I discovered the joys of blind circumnavigation of my home. Trust me when I tell you that it is not as you remember it. The good news is that toe nails eventually grow back almost as good as new. The bad news is that there is no effective cast for a broken big toe. Suck it up CD.

Falling into bed (literally since that was where I broke my big toe) I fitfully waited until the pain subsided enough to enter dream land. Sadly, all those friendly and comforting red, blue and green power LEDs that normally surround us 24/7 were extinguished and suddenly I realized I had never really gotten over my childhood fear of the dark. All of which got me to thinking about surviving the end of the world as we know it (TEOTWAWKI).

Upon which I promptly fell asleep. Just wait until you get old smartass.

Blessedly I was so exhausted from my tree limb clearing duties that I sleep straight through my wetting of the bed (damn prostate) and awoke at 3 AM as every light in the house suddenly flashed on. God is a cruel jokester because the wet spot was now plenty cold and it’s a new mattress to boot.

After removing the linens and digging out the wet/dry Shop Vac to salvage my pride (but not the mattress) I limped into my home office to see how the world faired during my absence. Clearly I had hired the right people because things were still just as screwed up as when I left them so I turned to writing down my thoughts on the coming end of the world.

Written from the point of view of a single male or female who has just experienced a blackout and must adjust his or her disaster planning based upon the new information just gleaned, I hope you find it useful as you contemplate your own personal Armageddon.

And just in case any of you males out there scoff at the idea of a female being equal to a male during the end times, a dear and trusted female friend of mine assures me that a well armed and pissed off female is not someone you want to mess with. We all know who really would have run Bartertown if Aunty Entity (Tina Turner) had been suitably armed and thus properly motivated.

Below please find the lessons learned from the blackout. Then turn on The Weather Channel and watch Hurricane Irene Rototill the East Coast for a primer of what’s to come.

1) Nearly everything in your house, including half the furniture, was designed with electricity as a vital function. Which means most of the home furnishings will be useless when the world comes to an end, including that La-Z-Boy heat and vibrate recliner/Jacuzzi with the built in toaster oven/microwave. Consider barter opportunities for a Guillotine before the end times.

2) Since we are all modern intelligent pampered man and women, it is clear that we will become so angry when electricity is removed from the earth forever that the vast majority of us will go postal. Consider warning select family members to stay away from you during this period of your transition. Or skip the family warning and just settle some old scores.

3) Despite spending the last four years trying to encourage your neighbors to minimally prepare for disaster, not a fracking one within a quarter mile even had a candle during the blackout and all immediately showed up on your doorstep looking for handouts. Looks like you’ll need to double your guns and supplies. Consider creating an underground supply depot off-site just in case the extended family comes to visit when the world ends. Then you can fall back, resupply and retake your house when they are sleeping. Tear gas is considered essential.

4) You finally got a chance to check out the next door neighbor’s wife or husband in low light conditions. S/he is still a fine looking potential spouse and most definitely worth trading your generator for. However, first check to see if your neighbor will take beads and trinkets for the spouse. Remember that it is a sin to over pay.

This hurricane weekend might be the chance to test the barter waters. Note to self: Make sure you have at least two generators on hand when the end comes because the traded-for spouse might not be too happy coming to your cold and dark place after you just traded your only generator away. Whatever you do, remember to keep your firearms under lock and key lest your new spouse decide to go into business for him or herself.

5) Thank God you always buy the physical book even when purchasing the Kindle version. If you survive your mass murder phase of TEOTWAWKI you will have plenty to read. Check to see if the next door neighbor’s so-to-be ex-spouse can read before consummating the trade.

6) Up to now your large supply of hand tools were used as door stops and paper weights. Now’s the time to organize them into small, medium and large door stops as well as dead weights for body disposal duties.

7) People seem to drive slower and more erratically during blackouts, even though their car works perfectly and they’re driving on the same dark country road that never had street lights to begin with. Note to self: Keep several guns in the car during the next blackout or TEOTWAWKI event.

8) Your entire life is stored on your electronic devices, all of which will become completely useless during the next blackout or TEOTWAWKI event. Make sure all data is backed up on a portable hard drive so that you can sleep with it when the end comes. This assumes your new spouse will be agreeable to the ménage-a-trois. Barter him or her away if not.

9) Begin replacing all wall to wall carpet with tile, wood and brick. Without electricity you will not be able to vacuum the carpets, making then a breeding ground for fleas, ticks and sexually transmitted disease. Make your new spouse wear a chastity belt or lockable stainless steel jock strap to prevent unintended infection. Always have a spare spouse ready to go just in case you lose the first one.

10) Immediately covert all precious metal stock shares held electronically into physical stock certificates. This will make you insanely rich when the end comes because 99.99999% of the world won't be able to prove they own anything. Barter up to a better spouse at this time.

BTW the bartering for a new spouse also works with married couples and those in long term relationships. Just understand that you might need to give someone the generator in order for them to take your spouse. And make sure your spouse isn’t making a deal to barter you away first. Know your enemy.

 

08-26-2011

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