Even though most of us come to Zero Hedge to learn, laugh, share and even rant, ultimately many of us are all alone as we cope with our awakening. While Tyler & Company do an excellent job deconstructing the insanity, rarely is our day to day emotional and psychological battering discussed. Most of us long for someone we can talk to and learn from without being judged or ridiculed. I offer the following occasional series as a small step in that direction.
This is the first in a series of fictional explorations into an individual’s awakening to the suddenly unfamiliar world around and within her while still engulfed by the day to day insanity. These short stories in letter form are intended for the more sensitive and inquisitive reader who wishes to look more deeply within and explore in depth their beliefs and perceptions and how they can cope with a world gone frighteningly mad. It is the author’s hope to accomplish this by way of an intimate and revealing first person correspondence between two long time friends as they discuss their ongoing trials, tribulations and revelations.
Please accept my apology for my tardy response to your letter of last week. While normally I’m quite prompt with my response (for I do love our conversations) the intensity of your distress set me back on my heels and I needed to pause and reflect for a bit before answering. Clearly you are experiencing tremendous loss and grief and I felt compelled to address this straight away.
But I also heard desperation in your voice and before I wrote back I needed to take a few days to reflect and remember what that chaotic period of time was like for me. You asked me to respond from the heart so to do anything less would be a disservice to both of us.
While I do have some experience with the road you’re now traveling I’m not sure how much I can help you since it’s no longer that fresh in my mind. On the other hand I do have a propensity to revisit the insanity every now and then, mostly because I tend to cling to that part of me I jettisoned so many years ago. Like a nagging itch or sharp pain emanating from a long ago amputated limb, at times it still feels as real today as it did back then.
Can you ever truly break free from something that was an integral part of you and nearly drove you insane, in fact did drive you insane? I think not, at least not quickly. In cases like this one can only hope that time truly does heal our wounds. But equally important we must also be proactive in purging the dysfunction from our mind and body.
Like you, while at the time I claimed to be willing, I really didn’t want to wake from my denial. Hell, to be perfectly honest I didn’t even know what that meant since I already thought I was wide awake. And near the end, when I could no longer remain asleep, I desperately hoped someone else would step up and absolve me from the moral obligation to walk the talk and take a stand. To this day I’m still a bit frightened by the perceived burden, which seems to never end and only grows bigger with time. Why did it have to come down to this? Why couldn’t ‘they’ be reasonable and not push it so far?
I’ve always wanted to believe people were basically good and honest. Isn’t that what everyone says is true? Sadly it is just another conditioned cultural belief dashed upon the rocky shore of our formerly sheltered life. Even after all these years, deep down inside I still wish that were true. But of course it is not, at least not for the one percent who rule the world and for the most part the next twenty percent who support them.
In fact, the ugly truth is that we all possess some measure of evil within ourselves, and part of breaking through our denial is coming to accept this in order to remove that controlling and manipulative force. We are only as sick as our deepest darkest secrets, and in this case I’m talking about those ugly truths we never want to admit even to ourselves. Especially to ourselves.
God damn it, I still don’t want to let this one go completely because to do so feels like I’m abandoning humanity itself. More likely though to let go means to leave behind what little childish naiveté I still cling to. Even now, years later, this whole thing can still bring me to tears. There are no easy answers, but that’s precisely what we really want, don’t we? The Big Lie of easy, painless, no bother answers to throw away questions, blissful ignorance in all its ugly glory.
I certainly understand you being worried about your physical safety. Who would not considering the steps you might take down the road and the history of those you will oppose. And I agree that it does appear to be a daunting task you have set for yourself. That’s true for anyone contemplating this path, which explains why so few actually take the first step. But the good news is that you are not alone. I’m here by your side, along with many other veterans, sharing our strength and experience if you need it. No one should be alone during their transition from conditioned victim to independent spirit. Your rebirth will be traumatic for a while, but I promise you ultimately it will be very rewarding.
Please remember that while at times you may feel alone, there’s very little you will think, say or do that hasn’t already been experienced by someone else along the path. I’d be honored if you would accept my helping hand as we stumble down this road together. I suspect I will learn as much from you as you will from me while we both work through this lifelong process.
If I may suggest one personal practice that has served me well, the more you open your mind to the previously unthinkable, the easier it will be for you to absorb the knowledge and understanding you seek. You have the keys to a better life in your hand. All you need do is to accept that they are there and then use them.
In addition, while it is vitally important that you grieve for your loss, please don’t cry for long. Your deep sadness and sense of desperation is completely natural and understandable in the face of what appears on the surface to be a desperate situation. Essentially you are experiencing the death of who you think you are and how you see yourself in your world. The key to regaining your mental and emotional composure is to understand that your reaction isnormal and you can quickly recover if you chose.
Take a moment and imagine yourself no longer feeling compelled to internalize what is strictly an external trauma controlled by others who care nothing about you or your family. This is true freedom, as opposed to the false reality indoctrinated into us from birth. Affirmation of life can now spring from within since you are no longer dependent upon external sources for your beliefs and sense of reality.
Thankfully I discovered my desperation was only as permanent as I wanted it to be. Hands down the toughest part is breaking from the old patterns of self abuse we’ve practiced since childhood. Old bad habits die hard, especially when they are embedded within our social and cultural structures. We believe we should fight this feeling of desperation, as if by experiencing it we will be consumed and never released. But in fact just the opposite is the case. It is our denial and bargaining with our newly discovered reality that makes it so painful and extended.
The awakening process can at times be excruciating and because we are taught early on to avoid anything that is uncomfortable or upsetting we instinctively and fearfully fight it tooth and nail. Unfortunately, by doing so, we make it much more agonizing and drawn out than it need be. The fear and pain is the result of our changing beliefs and perspective and the more we resist the change, the more pain there will be. It’s not so much the new that is so difficult to accept, but rather of accepting that we must let go of the old. At this point a flexible perspective is our best friend and mentor. Embrace the change and the pain will subside.
Please believe me when I tell you the pain you are feeling isn't a death sentence, but rather an affirmation of life. Remember the first Matrix movie we discussed last month, where Neo opens his eyes for the first time after being released from the Matrix cocoon and he feels terrible pain? Morpheus tells Neo his eyes hurt because he’s never actually used them to see until now. Metaphorically speaking this is precisely what is happening to you. The emotional and physical pain you feel is proof of life, not a sign of imminent death as you have been conditioned to believe. For the first time since your physical birth you are alive, no longer desensitized to a slow motion suicide.
The emotional pain and hangover you are feeling comes not only from the realization and understanding of your prior willing participation into your own enslavement, but from the sweeping depth and scope of it all. It’s not a pretty sight and never will be. But understand Marie that it takes real courage to walk this path, courage you have already demonstrated. So please do not sell yourself short simply because of your past mistakes. It’s difficult enough to deal with your own humiliation, let alone talk about it. I have no interest in being judgmental of you and neither should you. I have walked in your shoes and I still walk in your shoes. And I continue to make the same errors. Expect no less or no more from yourself.
We cannot reverse a life time of conditioning over night. And to think that we can is simply setting ourselves up for failure. The path is forward and the work ahead. Learn from your past, but don’t relive your mistakes simply to punish yourself. We must begin to forgive ourselves for our past, an admittedly complex but very doable task. It will be difficult to completely avoid self destructive behavior, particularly this early in your release. But you won’t heal quickly or properly if you continuously rip open your wounds in fits of self hate. The enemy is not within you Marie, it is external to you. Do not destroy your own personal refuge by being self destructive.
While it may not seem possible at this time, you are perfectly capable of simultaneously feeling extreme despair and great joy if only you will allow yourself permission to be the complex multidimensional human being you actually are rather than the emotional pawn of limited range and capacity we are trained to be from birth by our culture. Coming to grips with reality is not the end of the line, but rather a wonderful beginning to a much more rewarding life.
A very important part of you has just died, is still dying. It was something you nurtured and depended upon for a long time. One doesn’t abandon blind faith easily, regardless of how logical doing so might be. Of course you are reluctant to let it go. Who wouldn’t? But even now, through the haze of your pain, you must be able to see that concurrent with the death of your false hope another Marie is rising. Through an immaculate conception you are being reborn as a more powerful and fully formed human being. And this is just the beginning. Think of all the possibilities when your own self imposed artificial limits are removed by your own hand in the ultimate act of self empowerment.
All the false hopes, empty promises and other assorted insane baggage that you carried for decades tightly bound you to an unlivable and impossible situation. Living a life of quiet desperation, feeling powerless over conditions and events you did not create, but felt dependent upon and somehow responsible for, is no way to live, let alone exist. By freeing yourself of those false hopes you are now released from the emotional and psychological manipulations by the powers that be. Now that you have cut yourself loose from the puppet strings that tied you to the insanity, you can and will live a life free from artificially and externally induced fear and anxiety. Of this I can assure you.
Try to remind yourself on a daily basis that the only way ‘they’ can exercise control over you is to convince you that you are helpless, a powerless victim with nowhere to hide. They need you to willingly and voluntarily disarm, to not even attempt to resist or to stop doing so if you currently are. Which means in your hands and mind there resides all the power you will ever need to remain free.
Their psychological operations (psyops) have failed and now you are freeing yourself from their influence, forever if you so wish. Sure they will try to pull you back in. The entire concept behind psyops is to covertly employ multiple tentacles and pathways to subvert you, all at the same time. But all you need do to remain free is to choose not to submit and to continue unbound. Each time that you do so it becomes easier the next time you are challenged.
Now that you are releasing the false hopes that froze you like a jack lighted deer, your wounds, while severe and painful, will heal quickly. But only if you don’t tear at them in fits of rage and self disgust. Marie, you just underwent major surgery by your own hand without anesthesia. Be kind to yourself and rest from your ordeal. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself and allow the healing to take place. You would not emotionally batter a friend who was just involved in a terrible car accident, even if it was her own fault. Why then would you do so to yourself? You’re now free of that insanity. Let it go. It’s OK. You have permission to let it go.
We are engaged in a battle for our minds and our spiritual essence. They don’t have the capability to physically enslave all of us, so instead they must enslave our minds and convince us that submission is the only answer. There are so many other ways in which you are able to cope and prosper which you are currently unaware of and cannot see. But first you must let go of the only way you have ever tried; their way.
I ask you to have faith that soon enough you will see much more than you are blind to at the moment. Having faith has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with trust in yourself and in others. Be that fearless little toddler again, unsteady on her feet as her parents urged her forward. Let go and take those first few steps. Trust that others will be there when you fall and that falling is both natural and normal.
You are no longer an emotional hostage to be manipulated by others who care nothing of you. They have lost their power over you now that you have rejected their false promises and lies. You no longer need to take responsibility for actions you don’t support nor agree to. No longer must you internalize what is completely external in nature. You are now free to explore anywhere and everywhere because fear no longer keeps you paralyzed in the middle of the road, waiting for cars to repeatedly and endlessly run you down.
I won’t build false hopes or grand expectations for you Marie. This awareness won't come all at once, but rather over time. And there will be residual sadness for months and possibly years to come. In fact you must be prepared to feel an occasional sense of deep loss for the false hope you carried for years. Call it nostalgia for the insanity that was once you. This is a lifelong process, not a onetime event. Manage your expectations and allow it to just happen. You can’t possibly expect yourself to run a seven minute mile after you have been confined to a wheelchair all your life. Patience practiced here will go a long way towards a healthy future you.
It’s difficult to recognize, let alone comprehend, the extent to which you've been emotionally, psychologically and physically trapped since birth in an abusive and domineering relationship with this culture, its government and various authority figures and institutions. It is nearly impossible to see what you don’t know even exists and which is still mostly invisible to your newly opened eyes. Don’t place unwarranted pressure upon yourself by expecting a rapid recovery because it just won’t happen.
You will have days when it’s one step forward, two steps back and that is OK. And there are bound to be difficulties and unexpected emotional setbacks and that too is also OK. Perfection does not exist in the real world Marie yet we have been conditioned to believe it does, but only within the endless cultural insanity you are now leaving behind. You will recover from the shock and awe assaults you were subjected to for the last 47 years, but your recovery depends upon you making a daily conscious decision to get better. This means you must take personal responsibility for your own life from this moment forward and it begins with healing yourself rather than depending upon others to heal you.
Have no doubt, your awakening process has begun and with it the ability to take back your life. You are no longer dependent upon others for your emotional, spiritual and intellectual freedom. I am delighted you reached out and told me you are coming. Now that you are here I can’t wait to explore your world with you as you grow and blossom. Welcome to the spring of your awakening.
Beside you always,